The map.

Wow.  The support I received from that first blog post was pretty much unbelievable.  Your encouragement and love was needed and appreciated.  For a cancer gal, I am pretty damn lucky.

To say I was nervous about today would be the understatement of the year.  I was beyond nervous.  Truly terrified.  I tried to imagine what it would be like to hear the worst news possible, and I felt an ultimate low.  It didn’t help that Andy woke up putting his hand on my face and telling me that he had a dream that I died.  There was lots of crying in the shower.

Because I promised to be honest, I will tell you that I was really worried about dying.  I kept thinking that my life has been so beautiful- filled with so much love and opportunity- that maybe this was my time.  I know that doesn’t really make sense, but it is what I was thinking.  Hearing my boys laugh and giggle with their dad -made me cry even harder.  I was in the darkness.

I didn’t sleep much, and then spent the majority of the early morning willing myself not to throw up. When we got to Barnes,  I got to walk down that bridge that connects the parking garage to the hospital. I remembered how much I hated that bridge.  I had to walk that bridge a lot when I was dealing with my DVT (major blood clot).  I remember seeing cancer patients walk by as I went to my radiologist appointments and I would think, “at least I don’t have cancer.”  And today I walked across that bridge as a cancer patient.

Meeting my doctor instantly made me feel better.  She is confident and smart, and explained things slowly.  She ordered a mammogram of both breasts, and ultrasounds of my lymph nodes.  Then I did a lot of waiting.  (Those sheet-like robes they give you to wear should be outlawed.)  I was freezing, and hadn’t eaten, and couldn’t even wait with Joel.  After all the info was gathered, she met with me again and diagnosed me with early stage 2 breast cancer.  She told me my prognosis is excellent and explained that even though I have a very aggressive, hormone fed cancer- that today there are drugs that will specifically target the cancer cells, and shrink my tumor.  I will do 6 rounds of chemo, one every three weeks, and then tackle surgery.  I asked her if I would live.  She said, “yes.”  I asked her if I would still get to raise my boys, she said, “yes.”  I felt the light creeping back in.  When she left the room, Joel said, “how do you feel.”  And I said, “I can do this.” There is hope.

I am going to be one ugly bald lady, but I am going to live.  I hear all of your voices. They lift me up.

I meet with the oncologist tomorrow.  Let the games begin 🙂


21 thoughts on “The map.

  1. Tears rolling down my face. It is all so fresh and I can only imagine all your thoughts and feelings. Stay strong Melissa. Lisa’s strength was and is amazing and it is, what got her, and the rest of us, through her battle. You can do it too. Oh and something tells me you we be just as beautiful bald as my sister is. Hang in there. Stay strong. Stay positive…..but cry as often as you need to. It’s okay. Many many thoughts and prayers. HUGS!!!!!


  2. So very thankful for your doctor! She sounds like she is on top of this! Hope is a miraculous gift. So grateful she gave that to you. You can do this and you are going to rock the bald look- you beautiful thing! A friend of mine ended up with curly hair after chemo- so maybe you’ll get a new style! Love you!!!


  3. I am beyond happy for you. This is good. Stay positive.
    AND I thought I would hate my bald head..I have to say, I love my baldness.



  4. I am so happy that your doctor gave you back your strength,hope,confidence, and your fight!! You CAN and WILL get through this!!! We all have your back with our love and support!!!! Hats are in and you will rock it with your new look!!!!


  5. Love you girl! You’ve got this!!!! And you won’t be ugly… we’ll go pick out some pretty head wraps and you’ll be just fine! ((((HUGS))))


  6. Melissa, such strong, uplifting words. I was saddened to learn of your diagnosis. With your positive outlook, you will emerge a stronger person. God speed.


  7. I am amazed at your strength and love your ability to share such a dark period with us through this blog. It helps me understand and pray for you and your beautiful family. Please anytime ask and reach out for help bc we will be there !!!


  8. I have been thinking about you all day and we have been praying for you and the boys (that includes Joel)…kept asking Jim if he got any updates. I am so glad you started this blog and THANK THE LORD you will be okay!!! Happy tears! You are beautiful and will be with or without hair. Stay strong and know that you have a lot of love and support. Please let us know if there is anything we can do!


  9. I’ve been waiting to hear these good words all day! Hallelujah, Fuossie! You CAN do this and you WILL! Love you oodles and oodles! 🙂


  10. This is the best terrible news I have heard. I was thinking about you and your family so much the last few days. We will keep our healing thoughts coming your way. Holding a vision of perfect health for you and that your journey to wellness is swift and steady. Xo Jessica


  11. Your doctor sounds wise and wonderful. I’m so glad that you caught this in the early stages and have a very clear plan to kick this nasty cancer out of your body! You are beautiful inside & out, with hair or not. We will continue to lift you up in prayer and positive thoughts. Just say the word and I’ll be there to help however needed. Love you guys – Staci


  12. Dear Melissa, I can remember the day the same news was handed to me just before my 40th birthday.   Bob and I cried together and then took the bull by the horns. And here I am over 28 years later ever so grateful for the privilege of enjoying life and seeing my sons grow into men with families of there own. And you will too. My cancer as well was hormone related. I found the lump the mamogram never picked up 3 months prior. I had surgery, radiation and chemo. The treatments today have come a long way, baby, and you will come out a winner. Thank God you have a great doctor,medical team and family for support. Bob and I will be prayer warriors for you and your family thru this journey. Just another mountain to climb on the road of life. Your faith will keep you strong! Hugs, Gloria


  13. Good on ‘yer, dear! That particular cancer is nowhere near as nasty as it was even 10 years back. Kick its ass and move along, kid. All my positive energy, for whatever that’s worth. -Love from Uncle Dennis


  14. The strength to walk this rough & difficult journey will come from the love your family and friends will send your way…the grace to endure all, will come from your creator and loving father that will walk this walk with you…and when you become to weak to walk it …..HE will carry you in his loving arms. Do not be afraid .


  15. I am se relieved for you and your family. And you are in the best hands both emotionally and physically. Much love to you all.


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