Tonight- I am sad.

Tonight- I am sad.  I see the whole journey stretched out before me and it seems too big.  Too much. Too tall. Too wide.  An ocean of impossible.  I feel too tired to start.  Too scared to dream big. Too overwhelmed to move an inch.

The truth: I hate this.

I hate that my heart felt sad while I was decorating the tree with my kids.  They are bursting with excitement about Christmas, and I feel broken. Underwater.

Deep breaths.  One step at a time. I know.

And then I want to slap myself out it.  Scream at myself to get it together.

Why? Because of you.  Because you have flooded my inbox with plans and positivity.  Because my voicemail is full, and I have a hundred texts of encouragement. Because you have made me laugh, poured me wine, drug me out, baked me bread, brought me food, given me gifts, written me cards, played with my kids, prayed with me and for me,  held me, hugged me, and loved me from a far.

Snuggling with my boys tonight I felt so grateful that this cancer is inside of my body, and not theirs.  Some of you reading this have watched your children go through this.  Your babies.  My head is bowed to you.

Deep breaths. One step at a time. I know.

I know how this story ends.  I get to live.  I get to raise my boys.  I get to dance at their weddings.  I know.


5 thoughts on “Tonight- I am sad.

  1. Hi Melissa,
    I have read through your blog and am so inspired! As I read, tears flowing, I am amazed at your insight and honesty. You are strong. You are beautiful. You will beat this. You will survive. Please know I am praying for you, Joel, the boys and the rest of your beautiful family. Hugs and much love to you all.
    Katie Nauman


  2. Hey, girlfriend,

    Go ahead and be sad. Be scared. Be mad. Be whatever you want to be. It IS NORMAL to have all of these raging, conflicting feelings, all at once. Just keep feeling the LOVE, too.


  3. There is no sense in feeling so many sad emotions in a season of joy and songs….but truly there is so much that you still are giving to your children, hubby, family and friends; you are teaching perseverance, being real, allowing others to love you and care for you which takes a lot of humility.
    and then you look at all the love that surrounds you, the love your Heavenly Father has for you , the dedication of doctors to help you beat this….and all FoR You ! We remember you in all our prayers.


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