I miss my energy. I miss being strong enough to lift my kids up and spin them in circles. I miss my silliness. I miss going for a run. I miss coffee. I miss my hair. I miss the lightness of normalcy. I miss having the ability to clean the house, run the dishwasher, and start dinner before Joel gets home. I miss the absence of nausea. I miss being the helper.
I did not need cancer to be grateful for these small things. I had this part figured out. I truly felt grateful every single day. I would whisper to Joel before sleep, “we are so lucky, so blessed.” I took the extra minutes to snuggle my boys. I turned the radio up and sang silly songs with them. I did not get lost in the routine. I stopped for joy, I noticed it, I invited it in every chance I got. I did not need cancer to be grateful. I studied the sky, and closed my eyes, and found tiny moments of peace. I did not need cancer to slow me down- to make me pay attention to what matters– I had that part figured out. I got it.
It takes a long time to connect the dots. To see why things happen the way they do. To make sense of the senseless. I wonder how these dots will connect. What image will appear?
Until then. I miss my healthy body. If you have one — (a healthy body)– use it. Push it to its limits. Make it strong. Fill it with fuel that keeps it healthy.
Because I am on the couch. Tired. Dreaming of that healthy body crossing some sort of finish line. Wishing for sweat, and natural exhaustion.
Chemo is tar. It is cement. It has me benched — waiting to connect the dots.