I don’t want to write the truth.

Because it is dark. And not pretty. And scary. And sad.

But true. And I promised. I would tell the whole story.

The past 36 hours I have found myself sinking.

If I was swimming before — if I was treading water — I am now barely bobbing up to the surface for air.  This ocean of cancer is so vast. It takes so much to breathe.

Everything hurts. I can’t be a mom, or a wife, or a friend, or daughter, or a teacher — I am just a heavy weight dragging from couch to bed — from bed to couch.

I hate this. All of it. I’ve lost so much already, and there is so much still to loose.

Those who love me — hate this too.

I didn’t want to write this post, because I was sure there would be no silver lining at the end. No flicker of light.

I was sure that by the time I finished writing, there would still only be this unspeakable sadness.

I can’t always end with hope.

But there it is.  This force deep inside of me that refuses to lie down.  The tiniest sliver of green.

My sister-in-law’s hand on my shoulder, “you will be on the other side of this.”

My 3-year-old singing “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow”.

And I pray that it does.

Because I could really use some sun.


2 thoughts on “Sun.

  1. I am so sad you have to go through this Melissa! Know that we are all sending hugs and love and light… and for that sliver of green … it just speaks to this amazing spirit that you have that is so much more powerful than the rest of this…even in these dark winter days, a sliver of green is alive in you… your spirit is so strong, even when you do not feel so, your spirit is amazingly strong!!! Hugs, hugs, and more hugs!!!


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