You know those moments when you just get it? Like for a moment everything makes sense, and you know that you are in the exact right place – at exactly the right time?
You might get goosebumps, or the sensation of awe. Like when you stand at the edge of an ocean, the foot of a mountain, or gaze up at a sea of stars.
It is almost like life slows down, and you can see it from a different view.
The feeling isn’t one of happiness, but wholeness. Completeness, understanding, peace.
It doesn’t always happen when things are good, or perfect . . . just when they are right – and sometimes those moments occur even when you are suffering. You understand that this suffering has purpose. You can feel yourself evolving into something more than you once were. You feel connected to the universe. Like you are a puzzle piece that fits.
As I was preparing to go to chemo # 5 (the second time), I felt compelled to open my journal, not to write anything– but to read something. It opened up to this – – a poem I wrote in early March 2005:
Waiting for Spring
perhaps, this is the hardest part
the anticipation of a warmer breeze
close my eyes and pretend to hear
tiny roots of green
forcing their way through frozen ground
the breath just before dawn
knowing that with a flip of the calendar page
the crisp brown of winter will fade
and a deep green will invade the shadows
Now, while it is not an awarding winning poem by any means, it was exactly what I needed to read, to hear, to feel. I thanked the Melissa of 2005. I remember writing the poem after my last break-up before Joel and I got together. I was so sad, but had the feeling that something incredible was going to happen. Is it strange that I feel that way now? Like I am on the crest of a wave.
I’m not delusional. I know there is still suffering on the horizon. I know I haven’t even reached the deepest water, or the highest peak. But maybe I have. Because today, today I feel peaceful — even in my suffering. Today I noticed all the sprouts of spring. The right songs came on the radio at the right time, and I had that feeling. The puzzle piece feeling. I fit. Right here. Right now. I am where I belong.