Signs of Spring

You know those moments when you just get it?  Like for a moment everything makes sense, and you know that you are in the exact right place – at exactly the right time?

You might get goosebumps, or the sensation of awe. Like when you stand at the edge of an ocean, the foot of a mountain, or gaze up at a sea of stars.

It is almost like life slows down, and you can see it from a different view.

The feeling isn’t one of happiness, but wholeness.  Completeness, understanding, peace.

It doesn’t always happen when things are good, or perfect . . . just when they are right – and sometimes those moments occur even when you are suffering.  You understand that this suffering has purpose.  You can feel yourself evolving into something more than you once were.  You feel connected to the universe.  Like you are a puzzle piece that fits.

As I was preparing to go to chemo # 5 (the second time), I felt compelled to open my journal, not to write anything– but to read something.  It opened up to this – – a poem I wrote in early March 2005:

Waiting for Spring

perhaps, this is the hardest part

the anticipation of a warmer breeze

close my eyes and pretend to hear

tiny roots of green

forcing their way through frozen ground

the stillness

the breath just before dawn

knowing that with a flip of the calendar page

the crisp brown of winter will fade

and a deep green will invade the shadows

this prelude

to spring.

Now, while it is not an awarding winning poem by any means, it was exactly what I needed to read, to hear, to feel.  I thanked the Melissa of 2005.  I remember writing the poem after my last break-up before Joel and I got together.  I was so sad, but had the feeling that something incredible was going to happen.  Is it strange that I feel that way now?  Like I am on the crest of a wave.

I’m not delusional. I know there is still suffering on the horizon.  I know I haven’t even reached the deepest water, or the highest peak.  But maybe I have.  Because today, today I feel peaceful — even in my suffering.  Today I noticed all the sprouts of spring.  The right songs came on the radio at the right time, and I had that feeling.  The puzzle piece feeling.  I fit.  Right here. Right now.  I am where I belong.


4 thoughts on “Signs of Spring

  1. Awesome! And so right on. 31 days after my mom passed away, I had an experience/moment-in-time like that. Everything made sense, even though I was heading into some of the most difficult days of my life. I will never forget that day, those thoughts and feelings. I knew that I was going to be alright….and I have been alright…and now, well, now I am way more than alright 🙂 Love you, lady. Thank you for sharing, as always, your beautiful words and your beautiful spirit 🙂


  2. I love your poem. You are brave and strong and true and your shining light within brightens all the lives of the people around you.


  3. Melissa, Your Spring really is coming!! You just got more new green shoots of good news !! We’ll keep praying for more greenery!! Love you, Julie and Joe


  4. Melissa, I am going to keep saying this. You have to publish your blog…you are an amazing writer and an even more amazing human being. Here’s to spring and new life. Love you so much!


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