38 Birthday Confessions, and Post Cancer Bits of Wisdom.

  1. 38Sometimes after I finish off an entire bag of Trader Joe’s caramel/cheddar popcorn, I wonder if I just fed lurking cancer cells too much sugar.
  2. I love my job.  I think if I won the lottery and never had to work again I would still show up. Getting to work with teenagers sets my soul on fire.
  3. I marched in the Women’s march, but I didn’t march in Ferguson because I was scared.
  4. I am still trying to understand the depth of my white privilege.
  5. Sometimes I yell so loud at my kids my throat hurts.
  6. I feel really bad about #5 and wish it wasn’t true.
  7. Sometimes I play Legos, and read books about pirate gingerbread men, and put chocolate chips in bananas to look like eyes, and sing songs about poop.
  8. I feel really proud of #7.
  9. The things that really stressed me out three years ago, only cause me to raise a slight eyebrow now.
  10. I hate my implants.  They are cold and weird.
  11. I used to have a port in my chest to deliver chemo straight into my veins.  Sometimes I stare at the scar where it used to be and wonder how did I get through that?
  12. I know the answer to #11 is: YOU.
  13. Blogging while healthy is much harder for me than blogging with cancer.  Now I think too much, worry about the audience, wonder if you are tired of my voice.  Cancer kept those insecurities silent.  Health has given them a voice.
  14. I am not sure what I am going to do about #13.  But I try to remind myself what cancer taught me:
  15. Everything
  16. Can
  17. Change
  18. In
  19. An
  20. Instant.  Be brave.  Listen to that quiet voice in your soul.  Be brave.  Be you.  Be all of you.  What are you waiting for?
  21. I know I kind of cheated with #15-20, but I am getting old and 38 things is a lot.
  22. I think I am going to be okay with gray hair and wrinkles.  I don’t want to spend hundreds of dollars on dyes and wrinkle creams.  I just want to be fully who I am, so that you feel okay to be fully who you are.
  23. Please don’t hold me to #22. I wonder if I started dying my hair at 39, will I be a hypocrite? (maybe just a little wrinkle cream?)
  24. I believe in things I cannot see.
  25. I believe in signs.
  26. I believe in having connections with people who have already left this earth.
  27. I’m pretty sure this has something to do with God.
  28. I have no idea how to effectively write about #’s 24-27.
  29. Sometimes I look at my kids while they are sleeping and I think my heart my explode with love.  (Why does this always happen when they are sleeping?)
  30. Andy (5) told me when he grows up he wants to build a home for the homeless.  He wants it to have a washer and a dryer and a coffee maker, and even a bed.  I told him he was going to make the world better.  He said, “I know I will because you are a good woman.”
  31. This is the same kid who saw me (with my bald chemo-head) sitting on his floor blogging one night while I was waiting for him to fall asleep and sweetly whispered in my ear, “you look like a turtle”.
  32. And Alex (8), is so curious about the world.  He never stops asking  questions.  He still lets me hold his hand while we are running errands and he wrote in my birthday card that I am “not bossy” and “beutiful and pecful”  (beautiful and peaceful).  I guess #5 hasn’t messed them up too much.
  33. And Joel (39) is still in love with me.  I know it might make you want to barf, and I am sorry about that, but we are still in love.  Every year with him just gets better.
  34. I haven’t done enough to help others.  I know this because I still feel that pull.  Got to do more.
  35. Cancer gave me the gift of this blog.  It made me terrified beyond measure, but it also made me brave.
  36. I wish I could use Andy’s Harry Potter wand to eliminate anxiety.  Sometime it still creeps its way inside my mind and ruins everything.
  37. I need to make an appointment with a counselor about #36.  Maybe if I type it here for all of you to see I will actually do it.
  38. I am here.  I am so grateful to still be here.
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